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One of the first things I loved about her was observing her get dressed after she showered: her careful routine of lotions and gels and aerosols, her selection of a different wristwatch for different outfits.

I loved grabbing her waist by the belt loops, loved playing with the silver cross she wore around her neck. It sounds shallow to imply that, in the beginning, I fell for her simply because of her style, her stuff.

Together they made up the way she wanted to be seen in the public eye, the way she wanted to move through the world. She was not a boy but a full-grown butch who, at 53, was confident in who she was and what she wanted.

By that, I mean b-o-i kinds of boys who may or may not identify as such : nonbinary dykes, twinky tops, Titanic -era Leo DiCaprios.

They are determined — via commitment to a bachelor-esque lifestyle regardless of partner status, and a refusal to even once go to therapy — that they should never, ever have to grow up.

I think there was also a part of me that liked tempering my fastidious long-term planning, my conventionalism, my seriousness with their wild spirits, their rejection of every social expectation.

Queer bois, with their embrace of pleasure above most all else, in their refusal to adhere to the rules of heteropatriarchal capitalism — why grow up if it means becoming a cog in the machine?

At least I barely wear any makeup! My frivolity was never out of hand. And I prided myself for that, for the ways in which I deliberately limited myself.

What right do I have to indulge in my own gender trouble? After my partner came out as nonbinary a couple years ago, I felt even more confused and guilty about my conflicting desires to both lean into my own womanhood and flee from it.

I never felt like I had any choice about identifying as a femme — or as a woman, for that matter. She wore a different suit to dinner every night.

We were lesbian and nonbinary dykes; we were supposed to be beyond gender. I had plenty of my own domestic faults, to be sure: I can be disorganized and forgetful; I suck at trash duty; I despise doing dishes or cleaning out the fridge.

It could be fun. It could be hot. It overwhelmed me, just then, the sudden force of my wanting. I wanted my own big, strong butch.

I was used to being the person in a relationship who, comparatively, had more of her shit together. I took care of things for the both of us.

What would it be like if, for a change, I let somebody else take care of me? On Thursday, as our week at sea was coming to a close, everyone was encouraged to dress up in our fanciest gear for dinner, and later, dancing.

It was about an hour before she was scheduled to pick me up. By this point, three days into our cruise tryst, we were effectively ship girlfriends.

I opened it to find her casually leaning against the doorframe, looking overwhelmingly hot in her tux. I was startled to see her here so early; had I messed up our meetup time?

I felt crazy. I felt like a teenager. I felt guilty and confused, like I had no idea what I was doing.

But I also knew that I might not ever do anything quite like this in my life ever again. So I might as well let myself live through this bizarro universe and see where it would take me.

The night felt emotionally like a prom, too: something joyous, but bittersweet. Everything was ending. I was even wearing eyeshadow.

We did a lap around the upper deck before sunset, arms linked, and when we arrived back on the main deck, a big group of lesbians literally cheered , my catamaran hookup among them.

We smiled and waved, like and year-old prom queens, respectively. My heart swelled with such affection for each and every one of them.

We were back in my room before midnight. Lynette had been chatting with a few women the day before, more than one of whom confronted her in the cafeteria the next morning.

Less funny, though, was the fact that our respective romantic competitors were not the only ones who noticed us. The day after Formal Night was our last day at port.

Olivia actively partners with LGBT organizations at ports of call to foster camaraderie and community between Olivia women and lesbian locals.

I planned to meet Dana in the ship lobby that morning so that we could wander around for a while before the event. The entertainment options are nice to be honest, most of them are just But those things never seemed like the heart of Olivia to me.

Olivia was hearing an American explain U-Haul jokes to a confused, elderly Australian woman. Olivia was trading gossip that a woman in her seventies threw her back out having sex and ventured out to find some weed in Tortola.

Olivia was the extraordinary comfort of feeling so seen, and so loved, by a group of strangers who, by the time we docked in gray, rainy New Jersey, felt more like my family.

She lives in a different country. But there was still the fact that, after three days of knowing me, she told me she loved me, just as the sun was coming up over the ocean outside my window.

I was scared of so many things, and worried about, as usual, lesbian stereotypes — moving too fast, feeling too much.

And I said so. She knew what she wanted. And now it was my turn to figure that out for myself. Dom would encourage me to wait at least a week before I made any rash decisions; I was basically high on a drug right now, and I needed to give myself the opportunity to come back down to earth.

I would tell my partner that I cared about them deeply, and the past five years were among the best of my life. I had tried so hard to see myself in their dreams, but now I was having dreams of my own.

I would sob in a car to uptown Manhattan, where my friend Alia would take me in her arms and tell me it was all going to be OK. Alia would very nicely not be weird about it.

I would hug my landlady, crying again because she was crying for me. I would move into a house with some friends in Brooklyn, where a room had just magically opened up.

It would feel like a sign. I would worry about which of the many friends my ex-partner and I shared I would lose in the dyke divorce.

I would try to separate my feelings for Lynette from my feelings about wanting someone or something different in general — out of a desperate desire to feel some sort of control over my choices — and concede that was pretty much impossible.

I would lose my head completely and, a couple weeks after disembarking, buy a last-minute ticket to England. I would text Lynette and my lesbian group chat at the airport before my red-eye flight, suddenly struck with the reality that this was all actually happening.

Was this all actually happening? Things like bowling, gardening clubs, reading groups, and hiking groups are all great places to meet older women.

Or, you can check out a group specifically for older lesbians. That way there is less pressure on you. If you're older and looking for a partner, it may feel like you're under a deadline to find "the one.

Believe that you are worthy and love will come to you. You have to take the next steps and put yourself out there. Due to the sheer scale of this comment community, we are not able to give each post the same level of attention, but we have preserved this area in the interests of open debate.

Please continue to respect all commenters and create constructive debates. Please be respectful when making a comment and adhere to our Community Guidelines.

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